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News
16th of February, 2075
Return of the King (Crab)
Over fifty years since King Crabs were last sighted in the waters of the North Pacific Ocean, sightings of the once-ubiquitous animals have occurred again. Casualties related to their re-appearance already number in the triple digits as several people have been torn limb from limb by their pinchy claws while attempting to take selfies with the crabs, and multiple commercial crab-fishing crews have been devoured by their own catch. The Neo Vancouver Health authority would like to remind all citizens, employees and gig employees that their health insurance is unlikely to cover dismemberment by crab.
ChronoSec Declares Bankruptcy
Following a major radiation exposure incident on the ChronoSec campus, resulting in multiple fatalities, ChronoSec has chosen to declare bankruptcy. Insider sources report that this may also be tied to multiple imprisoned entities in the ChronoSec vault escaping and ChronoSec shareholders re-investing their money in time travel research in order to escape this timeline before it completely implodes.
Mummy Juice Consumption Causes Mass Fatalities
After crowdfunding the purchase of the famed "Mummy Juice" discovered in a sarcophagus in the 2010's, noted youtuber SimpLordXXX420 consumed the substance on live camera and was rapidly rendered into a screaming pile of organ slurry by the runaway biological reaction that was triggered. As his remains seeped down through the floor of his tenement, into the residence of the thirty-person vtuber cooperative below, it caused a further twenty-nine fatalities in the same way(the thirtieth was doing a 48-hour toilet stream marathon and survived). First responders were overwhelmed by the ravenous mass of howling human flesh, and it took a further twenty hours before they were subdued.
While the courts determine if they're responsible for their actions and even still constitute the same legal entities as their component humans, the ravenous screaming blob of flesh has been walled inside an abandoned insane asylum from whence it streams DOTA 3 around the clock(Twitch handle "BLOB") interspersed with tradcath rants.
32nd of January, 2075
The First(And Only) Jeremyday of 2075
Initially suggested as a way to compensate for imprecisions in timekeeping back in 2036, and now embraced as a yearly holiday, it's once again the 32nd of January, the only Jeremyday of the year, where children get their first gig economy jobs and families compete to design anti-homeless architecture for their front porches.
ChronoSec Declares Success
The startup ChronoSec has been declared by some as a fraud, and by others as the most vital advancement in corporate security known to man. Founded in 2071 on the idea that time travelling assassins may one day become a problem, ChronoSec raised enough venture capital to buy the old Neo Vancouver Nuclear Vaults wherein they installed proprietary mechanisms intended to derail and hold any potential time travellers until they could be dealt with. Despite claiming that their business model and technologies were foolproof and proven, today marks ChronoSec's first declared capture of a time traveller. It remains unclear which corporate head or campus is the target, but we excitedly await news of who will be footing the bill for this one!
Pope Predicts War, Famine, Disease
From his seat in Rome, the Pope predicts War, Famine and Disease, much like he has every month for the last twenty years. We're only reporting on it because he's threatened to excommunicate our editor if we don't. Like, we get it, Moscow and Kyiv are still at war, Bone Melter Syndrome is still an issue in the Sea of Japan Aquadomes, and last year half of Iran's population was harvested to feed the other half. But maybe you could start reporting some good news? For instance Madden 2075 is pretty bomb, you should start including that in your prayers instead, holy papa. How about it?
Duke Barbatos Wins Contested Election
Duke Barbatos, promising to root out corruption and provide a more egalitarian state, has won the final run-off elections in Brazil against former president Bolsanaro. Bolsanaro has vowed to complain to the electoral authorities, insisting that Duke Barbatos, as a non-native of Brazil, can't hold the office of president. The two have been locked in a fierce political struggle ever since 2071 when Bolsanaro sacrificed 259 virgins in an unholy ritual to guarantee himself eternal youth and health(prior to this, Bolsanaro had been kept alive by periodically removing his brain and central nervous system in order to suspend them in a medical healing vat), in exchange for allowing Duke Barbatos and his 30 legions of devils a foothold in mortal reality. Their alliance lasted for roughly half a month until Barbatos realized who he'd made a pact with.
"I think this is classic Bolsanaro," Duke Barbatos was quoted as saying, "The man is an absolute shit, we'd have to carve out a new layer of hell for him if he ever died."
It's rumoured that Barbatos' first major policy proposal will be to replace Brazil's ailing public transport network with giant pentagrams that immediately teleport their users to another pentagram. This is considered to be extremely egalitarian as every trip will cost a miniscule part of the user's soul, and everyone has an equal amount of soul, so no one has an unfair advantage.
17th of January, 2075
Vancouver International Airport Reopens Under New Management
After an extended stand-off between employees and management, VIA recently re-opened under control of Vancouver Flight Techs Local 891. Rumours indicate that a band of ferocious mercenaries was central to their ability to dislodge corporate security and seize control of the air defense grid(originally installed to ensure no unpaid flights took off or landed), but the union has offered no comment. Union leadership made vague comments about "the will of the people" and "the power of organized labour" but refused to elaborate on how they managed to pull this off.
VIA/GAL Security are currently embroiled in their own intense negotiations, with VIA/GAL's security arm pointing out that this would never have happened if they'd been given bonuses and thus not had to strike.
El Salvador Borehole Erupts
The El Salvador Geothermal Dig Pit struck liquid magma for the first time today, killing twenty-seven workers and three observers while filling the primary magma chambers to brimming and finally allowing the ESGDP to start mining cryptocurrency with the blood of the earth itself. Government officials have refused to be drawn on whether they're still attempting to be the first to mine the last Bitcoin, or whether they're sticking to their official plan to replace Bitcoin with Dogecoin as their country's official currency.
Rare Giant Jellyfish Sighted In Mediterranean
A rare Megajelly(Cyanea Megacus Verybiggus) has been sighted in the Mediterranean for the first time in over ten years, exciting marine biologists who believe the Megajelly to have a vital role in regulating the population of other ocean fauna like Squarks and Murkfish.
The Church of Immediate Endings has encouraged all worshippers in the region to submit themselves to the Megajelly's sting and be devoured by it, just to get things over with as quickly as possible in an ecologically sustainable way, as Doompope Nihilus the First put it: "At least this way you'll be helping an endangered species survive. It's about the best way to do things, really, now where did I put my bathing suit?"
He's expected to be succeeded by Depressus the Seventh.
8th of January, 2075
Killr Launches at Last!
PepsiCo-Boeing-Grumman-Nike launches its long-awaited Killr app today, not long after the corporate merger of the decade. Hailed as a revolutionary way to bring the gig economy to security work by some, others in the traditional security, assassination and military fields have complained that this waters down long-standing contracts and threatens to replace professionals with barely-trained people off the street. John PepsiCo, president of PepsiCo-Boeing-Grumman-Nike, had the following to say in response to these criticisms: "What I think you're looking at, is sour grapes. Folks who've gotten used to drawing a steady paycheck for doing nothing, are now in actual competition with young, energetic go-getters willing to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and take risks. Well, I say that if you're going to stifle competition, you may as well go live in Europe. [laughter]"
Anti City Construction Delayed
The long-delayed construction of Anti City, the project to construct affordable housing in Antarctica to alleviate the global housing crisis, has hit another snag as excavations have uncovered a new cave system. After ten workers were consumed by a bubbling pool of carnivorous protoplasm, the construction site was declared off-limits until the arrival of expeditionary teams from EuroCorp, the People's Republic of United Korea and Luna City.
Anti City Ltd. reports that they still intend to hit their 2074 deadline for construction of the final housing units and are currently entertaining bids for the construction of a high-speed vacuum-maglev hyperloop between Antarctica, Australia and South America. First proposed in the 2020's, a vacuum-maglev hyperloop is projected to be able to deliver passengers from Antarctica to Neo-Dallas(in the kingdom of Neo-Texas) in slightly less than five minutes, allowing them to commute to work with remarkable efficiency.
2072 Cricket World Championship Ends With Indian Win
Eight years after the finals of the Cricket World Championship were put on hold as no one could quite remember what the rules were, archeologists working in the ruins of London have uncovered a remarkably intact rulebook. As argued by the Indian referees, it does in fact explicitly ban replacing the ball with a hand grenade and the wicket with slaps of RDX. This will come as a great relief to the surviving relatives of the Indian cricket team who have been post-humously awarded their gold medals.
The Cricket World Federation remains split on the issue of whether players may open carry on the field.
Active Job Postings
EuroCorp
Location: Vancouver Harbor
Payment: 30 Universal Gift Cards
Description: Greetings, contractors. I am Clarissa Xeuphel, outsourcing liaison for Eurocorp. We have recently learned that a shipment of class five intelligences are to be exported from the Vancouver commercial harbor to a location in Asia, which conflicts with EuroCorp's bill of rights prohibiting the trading of anything above a class three intelligence. Your mission is to intercept the shipment either before or after it's loaded and transfer it to the Queen of Amsterdam bound for the Iberian district. If you should fail to intercept the shipment before it's loaded, our intelligence suggests that it's planned to be loaded above the GGVZ 981, a Philipines-flagged transport vessel. A bonus payment will be in order if you infiltrate the GGVZ 981 and identify its intended location.
Note that the class five intelligences are likely to be shipped in dormant state, try not to awaken them, as being quickened during transport may be traumatizing.
Discovery Channel Network Enterprises Ltd.
Location: Neo-Vancouver Coastline
Payment: 30 Universal Gift Cards
Bonus: +90 Universal Gift Cards if you find Bigfoot
Description: The crabs are back… for flesh! Sounds like a good tagline, right? When the King Crab population imploded in 2022-2023, it had dire consequences for Deadliest Catch, one of our top shows. Now they're back, however, and also they try to eat people. Could you guys maybe find out why? They're up the coast north of Neo-Vancouver and have already decimated three or four towns. If you can't find out why, at least kill enough of them that we can get a camera crew in to catch some footage. Maybe they've got like, a queen or something to destroy? Oh and someone said they saw Bigfoot up there. Get us some grainy footage of him and we can milk it for like twenty seasons of big-haired idiots ranting about aliens.
Vancouver Flight Techs Local 891
Location: Highway 68, East of Vancouver
Payment: 30 Universal Gift Cards
Bonus: +21 Universal Gift Cards for capturing the shipment instead of destroying it.
Description: How ya doing, mercs? Thanks for the help last time, but we figure we can't be running to you every time things get spicy. VIA's parent corporation, Global Air Logistics, are shipping in some heavy weapons for their security teams which we figure they'll be using to make our lives suck. If you could blow up the shipment, or better yet, hijack it and redirect it to us, it might give us some breathing room. Word is they'll be coming in along Highway 68, the least funny Highway in North America, probably in APC's and trucks. There's still some time, though, so if you need some heavy weapons, you might want to take some other jobs first.
Great Mall Admin
Location: Great Mall of Vancouver, North Quadrant
Payment: 33 Universal Gift Cards
Bonus: +15 Universal Gift Cards if the AI core is recovered intact
Description: Hey, mercenaries! Are you having a malltastic day? I hope you are!
We've got a minor security issue inside the North Quadrant. It seems like someone adjusted the managerial AI of a Walmart to prioritize avoiding bad customer reviews, and since only customers with valid receipts could post reviews, it simply killed all customers who attempted to enter and shop, after a brief period of executing any employees who were mentioned in bad reviews. So far it's injured or killed ten maintenance workers who attempted to turn it off, and it's got its own integrated power unit, so it won't run out of power for the next century either. Do you think you could handle this?
The Admiral
Location: Idaho Demilitarized Zone, Boise Nuclear Vault
Payment: 30 Universal Gift Cards
Bonus: +21 Universal Gift Cards if the nuclear warheads are detonated.
Description: Greetings, auxiliaries, it's a pleasure to be working with you rather than against you. Now, to business. Already the enemy stirs, and from his incarceration he employs others to do the work you correctly saw as a fool's errand. He has dispatched them to your state of "Idaho," where they are to recover nuclear warheads entombed after the 2031 rebellion. If possible, once you have stopped his mercenaries, destroy the vault to make the acquisition of fissile materials more difficult for him in the future. Empress be with you.
Location: New SETI Project, South Neo-Vancouver
Payment: 21 Universal Gift Cards
Bonus: +15 Universal Gift Cards if no alarm is raised
Description: Auxilaries, a fascinating development. Under the "New Markets Initiative," the SETI project has been rebooted to find bold new frontiers which might be willing to buy soft drinks and designer handbags. The reasons are manifold and complex, but I require you to infiltrate the project and replace their tiresome message about capitalism and consumerism with one of personal meaning, intended for my people in this timeline. If you're discovered, however, it might result in someone deciding to look over the contents of the message, which would be troublesome. Empress be with you.
Expired and Completed Job Postings
Vancouver International Airport
Location: Vancouver International Airport and Launch Complex, Subsection 11
Payment: 30 Universal Gift Cards
Description: Hello mercenaries! We would like your intervention in a labour dispute. Subsequent to breakdowns in negotiations between VIA management and Local 891, we've been alerted that they plan to hijack the airport's anti-aircraft defenses to lock down incoming and outgoing flights until we submit to their demands for an end to forced overtime and similar unreasonable requirements that would make us insufficiently flexible on the labour market. Limited resistance is expected, but please make an example of as many union members as you can find.
Vancouver Flight Techs Local 891
Location: Vancouver International Airport and Launch Complex, Subsection 11
Payment: 20 Universal Gift Cards
Description: Hey, mercs, we've got an issue. After we failed to convince VIA to treat us like human beings, we decided that only a strike might change their minds, but if we just stop working, they'll simply replace us or kill us. That's why we need you to get into the main control tower of the complex and slip a software worm on to their servers. It'll give us control of the AAA cannons and missile batteries defending against unauthorized landings and take-offs, allowing us to prevent all landings and take-offs until we get what we deserve. Problem is, we're engineers, not soldiers. If we make the move, we'll just get gunned down by corporate security. We can't pay as much as VIA, but you'll have our gratitude if you take this job.
TestClient01
Location: Great Mall of Vancouver
Payment: 16 Universal Gift Cards
Description: Hello. Recover [QuestObject]. Deliver [QuestObject] to [LocationToken]. Receive payment. Witty quip. Complication.
[a satellite image of the Great Mall of Vancouver is attached, which has two three-dimensional location markers. One seems to be an indication QuestObject and is at ground level, the other seems to indicate LocationToken and is on the roof.]
TestClient01
Location: ChronoSec Prisoner Vault 05
Payment: 32 Universal Gift Cards
Description: Your assistance was invaluable, I am now partially incarnate in your eventuality, but I did not foresee this trap, nor did my pursuers. I do not believe my captors yet understand what has happened, you must hurry before they understand and endanger the survival of your timeline. I have managed to duplicate more of your local currency if you are motivated by greed. If you are motivated by survival, understand that I am your only hope.
You will arrive at the ChronoSec NeoVancouver campus and free me, then we will talk further.
