Malius' Diary, First entry!
Dear Diary, I bet you're damn puzzled why I'm writing in you. I mean, I'd never have expected me to keep a diary, that's for sure! But to explain why I'm suddenly writing in you is going to take a bit of a story!
You see, a few months ago I was just hanging out on the Vulture like usual. I'd just gotten back from yet Another Exciting Adventure(it was the second time I punched a Rancor on the nose, if you have to know. It starts getting a bit old then.) and was looking forward to telling Delphi all about it when all hell breaks loose! Shooting, things blowing up, all sorts of stuff! So of course I rush off to lend a hand and shoot at whoever looks like the bad guys, but I end up getting stuck in an air duct when I try to sneak around a particularly large gunfight. They don't get me out until afterwards and then I get busy fixing things.
When I finally get around to Delphi, she doesn't have time for my story at all. She turns her pleading eyes on me and says: "Oh Malius, my knight!" I can never resist her when she says that, "I have an important job for you to do! I have these four amateur adventurers who badly need someone experienced to teach them how to do things right!"
And oh boy, I had NO idea what I was getting into. Turns out these four are Clake(some doctor guy, doesn't know his ass for his elbows, if you tell me. He told me Zoom was bad!), Biggs(The Big Guy, the heart of the crew. Lots of enthusiasm, but he just doesn't understand how the business works, you know?), HK-68(Or Sassy. He's got a bit of a mouth on him, but deep down he's a good droid) and RD-1(This one is scary. He's always polite but… yow, he's a real terror in a fight!). They also had some other droid and wow, she was SOMETHING. She used to be called A17, but now she's Ordid, and dear diary, you know I don't do droids, not after the business on Tattooine… but she's got some great melons!
So I go with them to some lousy desert planet where we shoot some droids. I keep having to bail the others out, like when the droids shot up Biggs and I had to shield him with my body to save him. Clake had to sew me up a bit after that, but the chicks dig manly scars, so it's cool! The others realized they were in above their heads and sent me to "sabotage" the main reactor, if you get what I mean. And by "sabotage" I mean "blow up with detonite." So there I am, sneaking through the vents, humming the Bothan Gear Solid theme in my head when I spot the main reactor and… those fiends! They've tied a beautiful Twi'lek princess to it! In fact, not one, not two, but three!
I leap in, grab a vibroblade from a droid and say: "Unhand those girls, villains!" and then I had to spend like fifteen minutes cutting droids in half before I could free the princesses and escort them to their shuttle. BAM, detonite goes in the reactor. BAM, I go out the vent. BAM, we escape. KA-BAM, whole place goes boom. I forget why we were blowing it up but it was something about droids.
Then they take me to Coruscant where I met THE most adorable little jedi, named Lallah, a Togrutan kid. Her master's a bit humourless, wouldn't even let me teach her Pazaak(I did anyway, though, she's damn good at it, she might turn out to be cooler than I am…), but all in all it was well worth the trip. It was even worth having to save HK from some Clone Troopers who were hassling him. But I smooth talked them, you know, it's a thing I do.
Next up was Nar Shaddaa, because our pilot, Zeldi(ugly little short thing, a Snivvian, can you believe he's knocking boots with Delphi? I know she just does it out of sympathy, her eyes are always on me. Trust it, diary.) needed to sell some stuff. And of course he goes and gets himself kidnapped, right? And then A17(or Ordid, she was Ordid by that point) gets herself kidnapped, too! All the others are completely clueless, so I have to point out that we can find her with the droid caller and go rescue her. She was real thankful, but I had to pretend I wasn't into it because HK was there. He's got a bit of a crush on her, you know? He always goes on about how droids can't love, but you can just see his little metal heart faster beating whenever he looks at her. It's pretty touching.
Saving Zeldi was harder, though, because there was an entire GANG between us and him. Normally I'd just have taken then on by myself, but we met a guy named Rake who lead another gang, the Blue Rancors. He wore a cape and a mask and everything! He even autographed me! Plus I totally did it with one of the ladies in his gang. And then SWOOSH, ZOOM, OFF THROUGH THE AIR. POW, PEW, ZAP. We took down the ones between us and Zeldi, kicked in the door, and I charmed some lady named Krisa who was the second in command or something. Hey, I know, I know, I'm a bit of a dog, but the ladies just can't stop themselves and I don't want to disappoint them.
She took us to Zeldi and the guys in charge, I kicked their asses(saving RD-1 when one of the bad guys took him hostage) and dragged Zeldi out of there. I even got a nice new table out of it!
Figured Delphi would be thankful, so we took him home and… oh boy. That was a bad idea. See, Kire wanted to talk to Delphi, and when we went to check up on them they were fighting! The others tried to intervene, but c'mon, they couldn't do anything. So I had to step up to bat, AGAIN, and save their sorry butts. I made a heartfelt plea to Delphi, how I didn't want to see her get hurt, and how beautiful her eyes were, and she would have taken me RIGHT THEN AND THERE if people weren't watching. So she just backed down.
Then blah blah blah some boring talking and she wanted to fight RD! I couldn't stop them, he almost killed her! First time I was glad to have Clake around(oh yeah, he got a girlfriend on Coruscant. Some blue lady with horns or something. I guess he can't be picky like some of us.). And we got some disc full of TOTALLY COOL robot blueprints that Biggs wouldn't let me use to make a bunch of RD-1 clones. Oh, yeah, turns out they were RD's blueprints. Using them I was able to fix him up a bit, can you imagine he was NERVOUS about it? I mean, c'mon, diary. We both know I'm the best engineer and mechanic this side of Corellia.
Kire and Lallah needed to go back to Coruscant, and Krisa wanted to check up on her dad there, which is where this whole diary business started…
HK messed some stuff up at the starport and we got confined to the ship for a bit, sometimes he's just such a goofus. All because he had a crush on Ordid, too. He just needs to realize she doesn't feel the same way about him. It's sad, sure, but… when you're travelling with Malius you may as well set your sights low, because you aren't getting any better.
Turns out Krisa's dad was a bit of a sucker who had trouble with the same guy that he sold her to years ago(oh yeah, I guess he sold her to a slaver or something, I wasn't paying attention). Only problem is, the only sneaky way to the slaver guy is for women… so hey, yours truly did what yours truly had to do: Dress as a lady. And I don't mind telling you diary, but I look SMOKING. If I wasn't me? I'd do me. Better keep an eye on Clake, too, I think he's about to hump my leg. And Biggs looks kind of jealous that I make a better woman than he does… where was I? Oh, right.
See, I figured… to pass as a woman… I had to act like a woman. I had to get into a woman's MINDSET. And what do women do? Keep diaries and shop for shoes! No time to go shoe-shopping, though, so I had to just go with the diary!
Gotta run now, dear diary, Biggs is yelling that it's time to go. I'll tell you how it went afterwards!
Malius' Malisa's Diary, Second entry!
Dear diary, the last couple of days have been both the most thrilling and most harrowing of my life!
We'd set out to avenge what some scummy bastard had done to Krisa and we stumbled on something much bigger than we'd expected! Garnet, Claya and I, and our two droids, expected it'd just be a little taxi or something there to take us away, but no, it was an entire cruise ship! It almost seemed legit, it was huge, and beautiful, and there were so many things to see that I almost swooned.
But we knew something wasn't right, we knew some MAN was out to take advantage of all those of our sisters on board.
Sadly, to find out just how bad it was, Claya had to make use of her "feminine wiles" against one of them. It was sad to see, but it was necessary, it was for a greater good. I used my technical expertise to overcome those clumsy oafs' little tricks and soon we were right in the heart of darkness!
Garnet and HK lead the way, and we found dozens of women trapped there! Prepared to be subjected to the freakish depravity of some "Cornero."
There was a firefight, I broke TWO of my NAILS.
It all seemed so hopeless right there, I'd never felt like less of a woman, I'd resorted to aggression like those testosterone-powered fools, it felt like there was no way we could overcome over a hundred guards, I didn't feel BEAUTIFUL. But thankfully Garnet was there, she was quick and decisive and soon we had a plan.
Dear Diary? We're taking over the ship!
Malius' Diary, Third entry!
Twists everywhere, dear diary, twists EVERYWHERE.
So, biggity bam, we take over the ship, no big deal. There's even this little Jedi girl that drops by and helps us out, the others mumbled something about knowing her, but you and me, diary, we both know the truth: The Malius is a chick magnet. So anyway, got the ship, cruising along, and we figure out where the Big Bad Guy is, some douche named Cornero, and we decide to go beat him up. SWOOSH off in a shuttle.
When all of a sudden I hear THOUSANDS OF HOT VOICES, CRYING OUT IN UNISON, almost like I was a Jedi, but it turns out it's just all the women Cornero has trapped on his ship hailing us and going: "Oh, Malius! Save us!" But then Delphi, who IS a Jedi, hears it as well, and she calls us up and is all: "Malius! I know only you can do it, take those helpless slobs and go beat up Cornero and save my sisters, I will give you… MILLIONS OF CREDITS. ELEVEN MILLION!" Now with both a fortune and a bunch of hot babes on the line I kind of HAVE to do it, but the moment we see Cornero's ship(which is like one of those big Acclamator things except PITCH BLACK and COVERED IN SKULLS), HK almost wets himself with hydraulic fluid and blubbers about how we can't beat him.
So I kick him out of the pilot's seat, grab the controls and RAM US RIGHT THROUGH THE HULL. BAM. The cockpit shatters but that's okay because I somersault out, blaster rifle in either hand and go BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM drop like SIX guards right there. POW, shot over RD-1's shoulder because a Gamorrean was about to punch his head off. SWOOSH, sliding tackle under Biggs to trip up this Zabrak with THREE AXES who was about to cleave him in half.
Long story short we kill like FIFTY bad guys and then we find out that Cornero is in hiding in his FORTIFIED THRONE ROOM, turns out he only comes out when a really hot babe is outside his doors. Now, the others had no idea what to do, but me? I knew what I had to do, and I had the guts for it, I had to become Malisa again. NONE of the others could have looked hot enough to overcome Cornero's special Jedi senses(turns out he's some kind of EVIL Jedi who loves babes).
He opens the doors, I stride in, and he goes: "HOO HOO HOO, WHAT A DELICIOUS PIECE OF FLESH." He is this giant fat and IN NO WAY HOT guy who's sitting on top of a mountain of pillows, glistening, icky, greasy flesh EVERYWHERE. And I go: "I KNOW I AM SEXY, CORNERO, BUT I AM IN FACT A MAN, WHICH MAKES YOU GAY, AND ME AWESOME." I strike a pose and bring out my blaster rifles and he loses his cool and it turns out he has a giant RIDING RANCOR underneath the pillows. This takes me off guard, diary, I will admit it, and the Rancor gets in a swipe that sends me flying. Not knowing me, he thinks that's killed me and goes on to beat up the others.
They're losing badly, but I have a plan.
I climb up the Rancor's back, attach explosives to Cornero(after a badass fight where I stole one of his lightsabers, he had FOUR, and disarmed him), leap off and blow him up.
BLOOD. OCEAN. It was really cool.
I think by this point, diary, you are a bit dubious: "Malius, where is your RIDING RANCOR? Where are your THOUSANDS OF BABES? Where are your MILLIONS OF CREDITS?" Well there is an explanation, diary, so don't doubt me. Just LISTEN.
Everyone knows that I love people, and children. But I especially love animals and hot babes. So we drop off the rancor somewhere he can be happy and raise a rancor family, and the hot babes? I gave them a huge part of my money so they could set up elsewhere. The others were totally in awe of me by this point so, yeah, I let Biggs and the droids and Clake and even the Jedi girl have some of it. Because, awesome as I am? The hero needs his sidekicks with their wacky quirks and flaws to make for a great story.
I'm just too nice and humble for my own good, y'know?
I've even decided I'm going to let my enemies have more of a chance from now on, I'm going to have two pistols instead of two rifles. Seems more fair that way.
